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​Not that I want to bore anyone with stories from my childhood, but I believe that the pain we experience in childhood and how we respond to that pain shapes the person we are to become. I happened to be one of those people that did not respond well to the emotional pain of my childhood. My dad was a very different man than he is today. He too, has a powerful testimony of the change of life that takes place in Jesus Christ. I hope to be able to share his full testimony on the site at some point. But for now what I can tell you is that he was a man controlled by anger and violent temper. As a very little girl I looked up to my dad, I adored him. As his anger grew more out of control and I got older my adoration turned to anger. I began lashing out at about the age of 10 and by the time I was a teenager I was completely rebellious, wanting to make his life miserable. When I was 15 he came into a relationship with Christ. By this time I was drinking, smoking, and trying different drugs. I never missed an opportunity to lash out at him. Now that he was going to church he made all of us kids go every Sunday as well. I did not take kindly to this nor did I accept it graciously. No, instead I found yet an even  greater opportunity to mess with him by making Sunday's miserable and took delight in that. God forgive me! I am the perfect example of God's GREAT MERCY!!  I soon found myself pregnant and married and this is where something inside me changed. Somehow a seed of faith was planted in my heart.  When I had my first two babies I realized that God's word was the Truth and I wanted to raise my children up in that Truth. To me, at that time, there was nothing in this life more important than my children knowing and understanding the Truth about how to spend eternity with God!  I married a vile and abusive man. The closer I got to God the more abusive he became. I had great hopes that God would change him, what I didn't understand is that  in order for that change to take place God needs a willing heart. I wanted so badly for my children to grow up In a strong, healthy, loving home. I didn't want them to come from a broken home. I was still young and didn't realize that they were already living in a broken home. I thought by staying I was doing what was best for them. As long as I live I will never forget the words of my sister-in-law "what you think is best for the kids isn't always what is best for the kids" That hit me like a ton of bricks! I began to get angry with God for not healing  my marriage. I remember saying to Him-"YOU CONSIDER MARRIAGE SACRED, I AM NOT PRAYING FOR A BIG HOUSE OR FANCY CAR, I AM PRAYING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU CONSIDER SACRED"!! Yes, I was yelling at God in desperation for the sake of my children. The abuse got worse and worse and when I walked away from my marriage, I walked away from God. By the time I left I had been beaten, raped, held at gunpoint, and completely beaten down emotionally where I felt ugly and worthless. This is what opened the door to many unhealthy relationships. I had a desperate need to feel loved and beautiful and so I literally looked for love in all the wrong places. I dressed in very sexy clothes trying to be what the world considers "Beautiful". What this actually did was attract men into my life that didn't honestly treasure me. I do believe some of them loved me in the only broken way they knew how but they didn't know how to treasure who I was. And how could they? I didn't even know who I was, or what a treasure I was myself! My whole life I had always been too broken. My heart was devastated that I didn't have my kids every day anymore which led to my partying my blues away which was a stepping stone to using prescription drugs and alcohol to escape the pain in my life. The greatest escape was a combination of those things and the man who was the love of my life. Partying with him was like stepping into another world and for nine years it didn't matter what he did, I couldn't let him go. He didn't treat me badly, he made me feel beautiful and loved but he came with his own kind of brokenness and his own way of escaping the pain inside of him. I understood him and why he lived his life the way he did. We were a lot alike and dealt with our pain in similar ways.

I became the Jack Daniels party girl, a fully functional alcoholic. I never missed a beat with my kids. I only drank when they were with their father or after they were asleep at night. I was a completely broken person without ever seeing that. As much of a mess as I was at that time, I was extremely  optimistic that I had gotten the worst part of my life over with and that I had only good things to look forward to. I still had Hope, just in the wrong things...

Like getting smashed in the face with a shovel came the news that my ex-husband had abused the little loves of my life. The devastation of this kind of news is not something that can be spoken or even written into words. It's the kind of pain that can only be understood by those unfortunate enough to experience it. For me there was no way to deal with this except to be medicated enough to be a walking zombie with no thoughts or feelings. Klodipin and Jack Daniels did the trick. The devastation I felt in my soul was enough to do me in. This pain was unbearable and unspeakable and I blamed God for every bit of it! I hated Him for allowing it, I couldn't understand how an all-powerful God would let this happen to innocent children! When my parents would try to talk to me about God I would scream and cry "F" GOD!!! Where was HE??? WHY PRAY?? WHAT'S THE POINT???!!! (I thank God they NEVER stopped praying for me!) I can't say that I ever got a grip on my life after that, but I managed somehow to keep going and take care of my kids. Not to the level of excellence that they deserved but there was a powerful bond of love that they could feel through the brokenness of their mother. They showed me what grace and forgiveness was before I ever experienced it with Christ.

3 years later me and my family gathered around my sister Paula's  hospital bed to hear the doctors dish out the words no one in this life ever wants to hear- Cancer...
 Let me tell you alittle about me and my baby sister Paula. There was no Dina without Paula. People literally could not refer to one of us without speaking of the other one. Our whole lives we did everything together. She knew me better than anyone on this planet, and loved all of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly! She was the "Good One" I was the "Bad One". Any trouble she ever got into was because I coerced her into it! I got her to drink, smoke, and swear. Because of me, we were punished our entire teenage life. I was mean and bossy and she was sweet. Unless you got her mad- then watch out!! When she got sick I truly believed God was punishing me by making her sick. I was the one who deserved to be sick not her. Watching her die was much more devastating than me being the one dying. This was unbearable for me and she knew it.  She turned to God and found Truth and Peace in His Word. She believed that Jesus Christ came and died for her sins to reconcile her to God so that she could spend eternity with Him. She also knew that I hated God and would not be going where she was. I knew it too.

​She let me have it a couple of times! When we were waiting for the elevator at Rhode Island Hospital I turned to her crying and screaming and said doesn't this  piss you off? Why did this have to happen to you with all the scumbags in the world??? Her reply silenced me... No, this is something that happens to people- you KNOW how stubborn I was about turning back to God and you out of everybody YOU know that this is what it would take to get me to turn back to him! I would rather get leukemia and die today having mended my relationship with Him than to live to 80 and die without Him. She walked away and then turned back to say "You know Dina we have never really been happy since we walked away from God. We had a lot of fun partying with everyone but we've never really been happy since we walked away from him"... I was stunned!  I knew she was so right...At the same time I had no idea how to get back to God. I was too broken, and  knew I was living a life that was not pleasing to him. If only I could have seen that the very things I was holding onto to escape my pain were the very things that were destroying me. I wasn't ready to surrender to a God that I felt was condemning, sitting on his throne casting punishment onto sinners like me. I also didn't know how to clean up my life so I would be "Good Enough" for Him. The truth is, all he needs is a willing heart, if you know you are a sinner and are willing to let go of your sinful life- He will do all the work...It's there that you will experience the super-natural power of God IN you. 

 I was there when she died, she collapsed in my arms and died a few minutes later. Devastation like I had never known brought me to the pit of hell. Part of me died and I had no idea how to get back to me. Nothing made sense without her. I sank into a depression I couldn't get out of. Three years later the pain was worse than ever. The drinking wasn't making the pain go away anymore. There was no point to my life, there was no purpose to my ever being born. I remember thinking how painful my life had always been and  as long as I kept on living, life would just continue to get more and more painful. I didn't think I would ever feel happy again- ever. I didn't think I would ever smile or laugh and really mean it. I hated being around people having to smile and pretend everything was OK when it wasn't. I decided that  I would take out an insurance policy and end my life. I honestly believed even my kids would be better off without me. They would have all this money and would never have to struggle again. I never once thought that I would be putting on them the same heartache  that I was trying to run away from. When I sat down with the insurance agent he disclosed to me the suicide rider, that the  beneficiaries would not get the money if I were to  kill myself within two years. I couldn't believe it. This was how bad my life was, I couldn't even kill myself. I couldn't imagine living another two years there was nothing left inside of me.  

I woke up one morning to Nick Vujicic, the man without limbs, speaking with such joy and excitement about what God has done in his life, and he had NO ARMS OR LEGS!. He quoted scripture out of the Bible -Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a Hope and a Future. Then you will come to me and pray to me and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I remember thinking "Can this be true for me? Is there Hope for me? Can there be a better future for me? Does God have a plan for my life"? Because my plans certainly weren't working out very well. 
Without any other options and now this sliver of hope I cried out to God. 
"You can take my life because I don't even want it anymore. And you're going to have to take the drinking because I can't stop,  it's the only thing that I look forward to in my life. I know my life is going to be boring but I don't even care I just want peace." It wasn't an overnight change but I found a church and started learning more and more about God's Love and Mercy and Grace. I really didn't know that side of God before. I had this whole God thing all wrong! My life has never been more exciting and full of joy-even in the difficult times. The more I learned the more I wanted to know and as I searched the Scriptures I found that God, Jesus, wasn't anything like I had made him out to be. I knew I was a sinner, I always felt that I was a bad kid, and when I got older I knew I was a sinner but I didn't care, what I didn't know was how much Jesus loves the sinner!! Once you begin to understand this great Love, you learn how to love and be loved! He came to rescue me! He knew I couldn't do it and so he took all the punishment that I deserved upon himself just because he loved me that much... His love for me changed me and changed my whole life. I will never be the same. I have never been so full of joy and gratitude and real love... Real LOVE. Because Paula accepted Christ's gift of the cross, I know, that I will see my sister again and that is the Truth that no religion can give. No other god that is worshipped today has demonstrated the kind of love for us that Jesus Christ has on the cross. No other god that is worshipped today offers the Hope of eternal life with Him. No other god that is worshipped today promises to take away all your sin and punishment for that sin so that you can spend eternity with Him forever and ever in Paradise. Jesus Christ loves you unconditionally, and paid a great price to call you His own. Accept the gift of salvation, your life for His...Nothing in this life compares to knowing Him-Nothing....